Date: 1/5/2009

im scared.. n im the cause of my own loneliness.. self pity is such a pathetic feeling, i hate it

im scared to lose any1 close to me, and i dnt get close to just any1, so maybe the anxiety of loss or stupid paranoid thoughts is what makes me scared.
let me quote a song maybe that might help wid why i get close to people and get hurt eitha way:
"i tear my heart open, i sow myself shut. my weaknes is that i care too much. my scars remind me that the past is real. i tear my heart open, just to feel..." by papa roach.
i get hurt but im gona do it again and again because i need closenes of al sorts but its because of this i push away from the closenes and scar and hurt myself and otherz. im too picky with my close friends and al i want is a close friend. who i can hang out with and be myself and tel anything to and i have a some part of that but i NEED every part. im selfish that way, because i only want the best and i wnt settle for second best. at one stage i had everything. the company and love and the closenes of friendship but because im amea, they wantd 2 b closer yet i had that. i wantd friendship. and so i hurt again unintentionaly.. i doubt il eva have a friendship like that again and maybe i would of liked to be closer to the one i had friendship with but the other closenes where i had understanding i cant sacrifice for anything so i cant get my true non-boring happines. selfish isnt it. sadly thats what pickines is. and it makes me lonely. And i think i just make things worse for them in the end... I want the friendship back... ive tasted what i could have and I want it... but i cant have it, if i wanna be considerate.. i will stay away but i still wish to understand... silly me... I hate being picky. i will be the cause of my own loneliness..


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